I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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