John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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