i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Randomize
