We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
