her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
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