So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
