I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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