My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
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