All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
