4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Randomize
