i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
i am craving dick and cupcakes
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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