she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
