i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I forget how to act sober
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
