if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
