They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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