Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
