My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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