I'd wear matching sweaters with you
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I love you. Go after that dick
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
