i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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