She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
