literally had 100 drinks last night.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
