I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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