I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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