if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
