had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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