is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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