Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
