I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
