Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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