found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
