I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
