i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
