im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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