hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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