So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
