david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
