Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
