So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
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