I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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