Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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