Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
