a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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