I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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