Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
