i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Randomize
