The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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