You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
