Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
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