Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
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