Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
