I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
